The Art of Letting Go
by BeAuTiFuL mAdDnEsS
Summary: Sequel to Never Let You Go. Some things in life don't have an estimated recovery time. How will Sandy and Kirsten recover from past events? Will start off somewhat dark but get lighter. Please read and review! On hiatus
1. Broken Dreams

**Okay, so this story's up a lot quicker than I thought it would be. What can I say? I've had no life recently with all of my assessment and needed something enjoyable to fall back on.**

**I'm a bit hesitant about writing a sequel, so whether or not I continue on with this is entirely dependent on your reviews. Therefore: if you like it, review it and if you hate/dislike it…um, don't review, I guess.**

Kirsten closed her book and rest her hand against it, laying the book on her stomach. _Jane Eyre_-a favorite of hers for the past twenty five years. Kirsten found great comfort in reading her favorite books: despite what may be changing around her, books remained the same. They were reliable, and their words and plots never altered. The same couldn't be said for life. Life was constantly changing-something Kirsten had always disliked and found difficult to accept.

Her vision was blurred from tiredness-she could just make out the reading of 12:30AM on the clock-yet she fought off sleep as she'd done every night since she'd found herself in hospital. Whenever she closed her eyes, Kirsten's mind would swim with images from the past week: Richard abducting her and taking her to Jimmy's-the man Kirsten thought was one of her closest and oldest friends, loosing the twins and then being left to die from starvation and dehydration. The feelings and traces of horror, shock, anger, guilt and sadness these memories evoked overwhelmed Kirsten.

Jimmy filled her mind in sleep and while she was awake-and not in a good way. The fact that he was dead and couldn't hurt her should have brought relief-which it did-but it also introduced disbelief and further fear to Kirsten's smorgasbord of emotions. Childish though it was, she couldn't help but fear that he would haunt her. It was ridiculous and impossible, Kirsten knew, but she couldn't help but fear that she'd turn around and Jimmy would be there, right behind her.

Although Jimmy filled her mind asleep or awake, the truth was it was far less frightening while she was awake. Awake, Kirsten had only mental images to haunt her which could be fought off with a book or with the TV. In sleep, the images of Jimmy existed, vivid and arousing powerful emotions to the point where the separation of reality and dreams became blurred and nonexistent. Apart from her first night in hospital, when she was drugged up, Kirsten had not failed to wake up abruptly from any sleep due to a nightmare involving Jimmy. So Kirsten tried her hardest to dodge sleep at all costs and procrastinate against that horror.

The fact that she was going home tomorrow offered Kirsten with some comfort. She would have Sandy next to her in bed; she could sleep in his arms and perhaps loose some of the intensity of her developed fear of sleep. And, if she was to have a nightmare, she would have Sandy beside her to protect her. To just be there.

It felt like a lifetime since Kirsten had been home, sleeping in her bed-it was hard to believe that had only been a week ago. A week ago, her babies were still alive, Kirsten thought with regret and sadness, her thoughts yet again returning to the twins. It was either the babies or Jimmy Kirsten constantly thought about, and she didn't know which was worse. She had lost count of the number of times Sandy had assured her none of this was her fault, yet Kirsten still carried great guilt towards the death of her babies. Truthfully, she'd only had three days to deal with it since she'd found out the babies were dead, but the pain and guilt did not seem to be easing. Nor did her fear of Jimmy.

Thought of Jimmy and the babies revolved around in Kirsten's head until finally, she could fight sleep no longer. She weakened to the inexorable closing of her eyes and fell into her newfound enemy's arms.

* * *

"It's your fault-all of it," Jimmy chastised her. Kirsten looked around desperately trying to find him, but the only thing she could see was darkness.

"Where are you?" Kirsten asked in a shaking voice.

"You told me you loved me," Jimmy whispered in anger. "And then you broke up with me. You lied to me. You never, ever gave a second thought to how that made me feel. If you hadn't of broken up with me, I wouldn't have had to get revenge."

"That's not true," Kirsten whispered.

"Who told you that-Sandy?" Jimmy sneered. "Don't tell me you believe him. Not after what he did to you with Rebecca. If you'd've married me, I wouldn't have had to hurt you like that. But you went and married Sandy, and screwed up all your family with your alcoholism."

"Stop it," Kirsten mutterd, trying to cover her eyes but panicking as she found herself unable to find them.

"You have ruined my life!" Jimmy yelled. "And your father's, Ryan's, Seth's and your 'beloved' husband's! You deserved all of this. You should be where I am!"

"Please-stop it!" Kirsten cried out.

"I will never let you forget everything you've done to me!" Jimmy promised. "Never!"

Kirsten tried to turn, to escape from the dark, confining space she was in, but she found that she couldn't move. Heavy arms closed around her, Kirsten too weak to fight them off.

"Let me go!" she yelled in desperation.

"No!" Jimmy yelled. "I will _never_ let you go!"

Kirsten let out a sob, frantic to escape. Jimmy's silhouette began to reveal itself, as Kirsten did everything in her power to avoid having to confront him. It was of no use: Jimmy was everywhere-he couldn't be escaped, and his body slowly became clearer and more definite.

Finally, Kirsten found herself looking into the face she was desperate to forget, arousing her fear, anger, sadness and guilt. Overwhelmed, Kirsten let out a scream.

* * *

It was the scream that woke her up, ending yet another nightmare. For an instant, Kirsten was filled with fear as she was able to make out only darkness surrounding her, but the sight of the clock reading 4:07AM assured Kirsten her nightmare had ended. The darkness had been broken.

Kirsten groped around, anxiously turning on a light before resting against the pillows. She'd scraped together around three hours sleep, which seemed to be her current average, much to the dismay of Sandy.

"Are you feeling okay, honey?" Sandy had asked concernedly the previous morning, when he had yet again found dark circles sketched under her eyes.

After some coaxing, Kirsten had finally revealed to Sandy the nightmares and the horrors of closing her eyes.

"Oh, baby, it will be okay," Sandy promised, holding her and giving her a kiss. "Would you like me to spend the night here with you?"

"No, you can't," Kirsten complained. "I feel enough like a child already. But thanks."

"Well, don't hesitate to call me," Sandy told her. "I don't care what time it is. If you need to talk or if you need anything, you just call."

Kirsten currently contemplated this offer, her hand resting on the phone. She was still shaken up and upset from the nightmare. It would be reassuring to hear Sandy's voice.

On the other hand; it was so early. Sandy would definitely still be asleep, and Kirsten would feel so cruel waking him up. She-and Sandy-knew how much she hated being woken up, and although Sandy was more of a morning person than her, the thought of him sleeping peacefully was one she didn't want to disturb.

Kirsten debated the idea for several minutes, until Jimmy's face floated into her mind. Kirsten shuddered, immediately reaching for the phone. She needed to talk to Sandy; these nightmares were something she was fighting to live with alone.

"Hello?" Sandy answered.

"I'm sorry I called so early," Kirsten apologized, feeling guilt at the sound of Sandy's sleepy voice.

"Are you okay?" Sandy asked instantly, sounding far more awake.

"Yeah, I suppose so," Kirsten answered uncertainly. "I just had another nightmare and I needed to hear your voice."

"I'm guessing you didn't get much sleep again," Sandy predicted.

"No," Kirsten admitted.

"Well, we'll have to try to fix that up when you get home," Sandy suggested.

"I'm sure having you next to me will make it easier," Kirsten assured him. "I just can't wait to get home."

"Honey," Sandy begun carefully, "do you think you should see a therapist-that one the hospital referred you to?"

"What?" Kirsten exclaimed. "Sandy-I haven't even had a week to deal with this! Give me time."

"No, it's not so much the way you're dealing with things but rather the nature of it all," Sandy reminded her. "Well, that's what you were told, right? Just think about it. Please."

"Okay," Kirsten promised. "Anyway, I should let you get back to sleep."

"And you should try to get some more sleep," Sandy advised. "I'll see you soon. I love you."

"I love you, too," Kirsten told him before hanging up.

Kirsten flopped back helplessly against the pillows. She only revealed herself to Sandy-and even that was difficult at times. There was no way she was going to therapy.

* * *

"Okay," Seth dictated, standing in front of Hailey and Ryan. "So the plan is, Mom gets back, we have a big family lunch, play a few video games and then watch a movie. By then it'll be time for dinner, so we can order in some pizza and spend the rest of the night having a mini party, just the…five of us."

"I never heard that plan before," Hailey muttered.

"Yeah, me neither," Ryan agreed. "Will Kirsten even be up to it? I thought the doctor said she had to rest."

"He did," Hailey said pointedly in Seth's direction. "Your plan's been squashed."

"But this'll be our last chance to do something as a family," Seth whined. "You leave tomorrow. Unless you extended your trip."

"I can't," Hailey said firmly. "I was lucky to get this time off work as it is."

Three heads turned in the direction of the front door, which Kirsten had just walked through. She was greeted by hugs from each of them, holding on tightly.

"It's good to have you back," Ryan told her.

"Lunch?" Seth offered. "Video games? Movie?"

Hailey took Kirsten's hand and guided her in the direction of her bedroom.

"Happy to be home?" Hailey asked.

"Like you wouldn't believe," Kirsten answered.

"So, how are you coping?" Hailey asked, showing concern. "Really. I mean, you didn't talk much about it at the hospital."

Kirsten shrugged and made a very weak attempt of a smile.

"It could have been worse," she declared. "So I guess I'm lucky in a way but…it's still hard."

They stopped at the door to Kirsten and Sandy's bedroom as Hailey turned to give Kirsten another hug.

"I'm sorry I have to leave tomorrow," Hailey apologized. "Work's just so busy at the moment, and-"

"It's okay," Kirsten interrupted. "Really. I'm just glad that you came."

"Me too," Hailey agreed.

Footsteps approached them, and they turned to see Sandy making his way with the bag he had packed Kirsten for the hospital.

"I'll go fix you lunch," Hailey told Kirsten. "Anything in particular?"

"Just something plain," Kirsten declared, opening her bedroom door as Hailey headed off.

It looked just the way she remembered it, Kirsten thought, stepping in the room. She couldn't help but stop briefly to close her eyes and breathe in. It smelt like home. It didn't have that chemical smell of the hospital, or the moldy smell of Jimmy's place.

Sandy set the bag down next to him and walked over to Kirsten, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Are you okay?" Sandy asked.

"The best I've been all week," Kirsten nodded, offering Sandy a smile.

Sandy returned the smile before bending down and placing a kiss on Kirsten's lips.

"It'll only get better now," Sandy assured her.

"Good," Kirsten whispered.

"Come on, you look exhausted," Sandy told her, leading her to the bed. "Why don't you have a nap?" Lunch can wait."

Kirsten slid under the blankets, then took Sandy's hand, looking at him with big eyes.

"Will you stay with me?" Kirsten asked. "Just until I'm asleep."

Sandy lay next to her, taking Kirsten in his arms. For the first time, she didn't try to resist sleep. She didn't feel compelled to keep herself awake, instead feeling blissfully secure in Sandy's arms. This was what she had been waiting and longing for. Sleep came instantly.

Sandy waited until the inevitable snores came before gently getting off the bed. Making his way to the door, Sandy stole a glance behind him: she was still there, snoring peacefully. Back where she belonged.

**So there's the first chapter. Crap-o-rama or something worth continuing? Let me know if you think the chapters are getting too long-I don't want to bore you!**

**Obviously, it'll take awhile for these problems to get 'fixed', but as it progresses (if it progresses) the story should get lighter.**

**Please review and let me know what you thought.**


	2. The Girls With Flaxen Hair

**Yay-thank you for the reviews! Please keep them coming.**

**I've decided to use these first two chapters as a chance to show where Kirsten is mentally from what happened. After this chapter I'll start focusing more on how she'll overcome it and the impact it's had on others.**

Sandy didn't stop the nightmares. Kirsten had woken up a couple of hours later, feeling more tired than she had before the nap, after finding herself alone and trapped with Jimmy yet again. She'd woken hot, sweaty and feeling sick, throwing the sandwich left for her into a bin in her bathroom.

Kirsten walked back into her room, sinking onto her bed and letting out an exasperated sigh. Would the nightmares ever go away, or would they continually haunt her? She'd been less fearful of sleep having Sandy with her, but that had played no role in expelling the nightmares. She couldn't help but get the feeling that she was dealing with this badly. She'd had four days to deal with it now-which wasn't a lot-but she seemed to be finding things harder to deal with instead of easier as time progressed.

Lying down on Sandy's side of the bed, Kirsten's mind swam with thoughts of Jimmy and the babies. Thoughts she didn't want to think, let alone put to paper or in words. She turned, trying to force the thoughts out of her head as she did so. Kirsten glanced at Sandy's beside table, seeking a distraction, as a bag poking out of it caught her eye.

Her stomach flipped as she reached for the brightly colored bag, finding herself unwillingly reaching into it. Kirsten's hand grasped at the soft fabric, her mind clearly seeing the threaded details she ran her finger over. She pulled out the baby suit with a shaking hand, sitting up and laying it on her lap. Her fingers traced the gold colored ducks waddling across the front as she recalled how happy she and Sandy had been making that first purchase-they hadn't known back then she was having twins. She recalled how protective Seth had been of her and his unborn siblings, even though the thought of his mother falling pregnant had disgusted him.

Kirsten rest her hand on the suit, allowing tears to spring to her eyes. Her babies should have been able to wear this in just under five months. She might have been showing and perhaps even feeling her babies move by now. She should have been doing baby shopping with Sandy and organizing a room for the twins. Now, none of that would happen.

She'd never even know how her children would have looked, or if they were boys or girls. She'd never get to see them, never get to hold them, never get to smell that unique baby smell on them, never get to have them grasping at her finger with those tiny baby hands. She'd never see them take those first few tentative steps, never get to see them give her a gummy smile followed by baby babble, never get to hear them trying to say "mama", never have them run into her arms and give her a hug-it had all been taken away from her.

Kirsten clutched at the outfit and drew her knees up to her chest. It was times like these she just wanted to escape, so reality wouldn't have to haunt her. Her tears spilled over, now as tears of rage. How _dare_ Jimmy take this away from her and Sandy? How could he possibly kill two innocent babies?

"I'm glad you're dead," Kirsten muttered vehemently through her tears. "You deserve it. Except you deserved to die a far worse way."

Kirsten's gaze darted to the bag-it looked as if there was something else in there. She pulled out the other purchase she had made that day: the book The Pregnancy Companion.

Her anger increased. She could hardly see through her tears of fury but she held on tightly to the book.

Sandy opened the door as quietly as he could, careful not to make much noise in case Kirsten was still asleep. He glanced into the room, and his heart tightened as he saw Kirsten sitting on the bed, crying, clutching at her pregnancy book.

He was about to walk towards her, to comfort her, when he saw Kirsten raise the book and fling it across the room with all her might. It hit the wall with a loud bang before dropping to the floor. Kirsten grabbed the baby suit, looking at it for a moment, before she weakly tossed it to her side and buried her head in her hands, dissolving in tears.

"Oh, baby," Sandy sighed, rushing over to Kirsten and taking her in his arms.

Kirsten leant heavily against Sandy, her body racking with sobs.

"I hate him so much," Kirsten spat out, her voice rising. "I _hate _him!"

Sandy continued to hold Kirsten as she cried, trying to control his own emotions at the sight of the crumpled baby suit lying beside him. How could he not hate Jimmy? The baby suit next to him and his wife's shaking body against him were only a testimony of the reasons for that hate.

"It'll be okay," Sandy promised, not knowing whether he was telling that to Kirsten or himself.

"How?" Kirsten sobbed, pulling away and looking up at Sandy. "We've lost two babies. I can't eat, I can't sleep-and when I do sleep, it's only nightmares. _How_ can it be okay?"

Sandy looked at Kirsten's tear stained cheeks, hating to see her like this. He reached out and wiped away the two tears that had slipped out, cupping her face.

"Because we have each other," Sandy told her. "And I'll help you through this. These things are never easy but you have to give it time. You _will_ be okay."

Sandy kissed her forehead and held Kirsten tightly, each sob shaking her slender form strengthening Sandy's belief that she had to see a therapist.

* * *

Kirsten held each girl tightly by the hand. She never should have allowed them to come grocery shopping with her. Some people may call it paranoia being so worried and uptight, but if they had Chloe and Elle as kids, they'd know it was common sense, Kirsten thought grimly. She loved them to death, but she had honestly never known such mischievous four-year-olds before. Each helped the other get into more trouble, doubling the stress for their parents.

"Now remember to stay with me," Kirsten instructed them, walking into the store and grabbing a trolley. She wasn't going to place the girls in a trolley: twin ones were hard to find and God only knew what they might get up to in there. "Don't go walking about."

"We know, Mommy," Elle confidently told her, looking up at Kirsten with her big blue eyes.

Chloe nodded solemnly in agreement, content to go along with anything Elle said.

Kirsten walked up and down the aisles, allowing the girls to help whenever she could to stop them from getting bored. Eventually the girls patience grew thin, and Kirsten quickened her pace, wanting to get them home as soon as possible. She reached the frozen section, and begun observing different types of bread as the twins looked around the shop in boredom.

"Toys!" Elle squealed in delight, Kirsten turning around just in time to see Elle's and Chloe's blonde hair disappear around a corner.

"Girls-stop!" Kirsten called out, pushing the trolley at a quick pace to catch up with them.

She turned the corner and her heart turned to ice as she saw the twins disappear out of the shop door. Disregarding her trolley, Kirsten sprinted out of the store, glancing about wildly for them.

"Elle!" Kirsten yelled. "Chloe!"

She ran about the deserted area, desperate to find her kids. Turning another corner, Kirsten stopped dead in her tracks as she saw Jimmy holding Chloe with a gun pressed to her head.

"Mommy!" Chloe cried out, as Kirsten urgently tried to get Chloe from Jimmy.

"I kept this one for a bit longer because she reminded me more of you," Jimmy told Kirsten, with a smirk at her attempts to get to Chloe.

"Please-don't hurt them!" Kirsten sobbed. "Where's Elle?"

Kirsten followed Jimmy's gaze to a distance behind them, where she saw a crumpled blonde heap.

"Oh, God," Kirsten whispered running to her. Turning Elle over, Kirsten saw a puncture wound to her head and blood. "Wake up! Baby, wake up!"

"You wanna give this one a last kiss?" Jimmy called out.

Kirsten ran over to him, trying to grab Chloe from his arms.

"Give me my baby!" Kirsten pleaded through tears, holding on tightly to Chloe's hands over her cries of "Mommy!"

"You should have chosen me," Jimmy blamed, as Kirsten struggled to take Chloe from him.

Jimmy's finger rested on the trigger and from far away, Kirsten could hear Sandy telling her, "It's okay, it's okay."

Kirsten looked, just in time to see Jimmy fire the gun.

"No!" she screamed desperately.

* * *

Kirsten jumped awake to find Sandy's arm around her.

"Sh, it's okay, honey," Sandy comforted her, giving her a kiss. "It was just a dream."

Her cheeks were wet with tears and her breathing short and fast. Kirsten rest her head against Sandy's chest, hoping to drown out the memories of the nightmare.

"Did I wake you?" Kirsten asked apologetically.

"It's fine," Sandy answered.

"I'm sorry," Kirsten told Sandy's chest. "What time is it?"

"Just after five," Sandy read from the clock. "And it doesn't matter."

Five hours sleep, Kirsten thought. She'd set herself a new record.

"Do you want to tell me about the dream?" Sandy offered.

Kirsten shook her head. She could still see the little girls from the dream, their faces haunting her. The only thing she wanted was to try and forget everything that had happened, but these damn dreams were blocking that. She heard Sandy sigh and immediately felt guilty.

"It was a pretty bad one," Kirsten stated. "I'd just prefer to forget it."

"Maybe…this could be part of the problem," Sandy suggested carefully. "Perhaps you're trying so hard to forget this that you're not expressing your feelings enough and your dreams are the only way they can be released. I don't know."

"I expressed my feelings yesterday," Kirsten said defensively, looking over at the slight dent she had made in the wall with the book.

"Yeah," Sandy agreed. "But you haven't really talked much about what happened. And I don't think you've written it down or anything like that, either."

"So you want me to tell you everything that happened?" Kirsten concluded, pulling away and looking at Sandy.

"Not quite," Sandy said slowly. "I mean, that'd be good, but I think you need to do more than that."

"You mean go to therapy," Kirsten translated.

"It was pretty traumatic what you went through," Sandy reminded her. "Anyone in your position would need to. The doctors thought it'd be a good idea… I think it'd be a good idea. Maybe I could come along with you."

Kirsten silently hopped out of bed and put on her robe, marching to the door.

"I am _not_ going to therapy," she declared firmly, before slamming the door behind her.

* * *

Kirsten sat at the empty kitchen table, drumming a finger against her cup of coffee, coming to the realization that-yet again-Sandy was right. She might as well give in before she could do more damage to herself and others. Why wouldn't he be right? He'd been right about going to rehab and he'd been right when he'd told her the other week that she shouldn't go to work. She didn't really have anything to loose going to therapy, either: it wasn't as if things could get much worse.

It was just the thought of sitting in front of a complete stranger and spilling her heart out to them that bothered Kirsten. Those feelings had been reserved for her diary when she was younger, and now they were reserved for Sandy. How could she face admitting things to a stranger that she'd often have trouble admitting to herself?

The sound of footsteps padding towards the kitchen broke Kirsten's train of thoughts and she looked up to see Sandy enter and cast a weary glance towards her.

"I'll go," Kirsten surrendered quietly.

Sandy's face filled with relief and he sat in the chair next to hers, taking Kirsten's hand in his.

"Thank you," Sandy told her gratefully. "I hate seeing you like this."

"I'm scared," Kirsten said simply, in what struck Sandy as a somewhat childish way. "Do you think it will help?"

"I know it will," Sandy assured her, giving her a kiss. "I'm proud of you."

"I don't think things can get much worse," Kirsten commented.

"Like I said: I promise you it will only get better from now on," Sandy vowed.

**Please keep on reviewing and give me any suggestions or whatever if you think the story's not that good.**


	3. Shock Therapy

**Okay, first off, let me apologise for this chapter: the beginning of it was written pre-writers block and the rest of it was after I'd recovered from it. So I am sorry if it doesn't seem to flow, is v. crappy and/or is not up to par. **

**Please continue reviewing, though, because I love getting your feed back and thank you everyone who reviewed the last chapter!**

Kirsten sat on the couch later that day, her eyes glued to the TV screen without registering what was on it. She'd called the therapist the hospital had referred her to-Dr Emily Walker, was it? Or rather, she'd spared her pride and got Sandy to do the calling for her. Kirsten had been expecting to be squeezed in sometime from maybe a week onwards, so it had come as a shock when Sandy had walked in to tell Kirsten she'd have her first session tomorrow.

"Tomorrow?" Kirsten had spluttered. They didn't believe in giving patients recovery time, that was for sure.

"Apparently the hospital contacted her about you," Sandy told Kirsten, sitting down next to her.

"What am I, a high priority case or something?" Kirsten asked.

"Only because of what you went through," Sandy reminded her. "Not because of the way you're handling things."

"Sandy, it's too soon," Kirsten protested, panic rising in her at the thought of having to recount and relive what she'd been through. "I can't go tomorrow. Another week, maybe-but not tomorrow."

"The sooner you go, the sooner it will begin getting easier," Sandy stated, giving her leg a rub. "The first meeting's never gonna be easy and you might never feel ready. Wouldn't it be best to get it over and done with?"

Kirsten looked into Sandy's eyes and expelled a sigh. This was a view of his nothing would change-the tone of his voice gave it away.

"I don't know," Kirsten argued. "You didn't go what I went through. You don't know what it was like. It's not something I'm ready to talk about yet."

"But you mightn't even have to talk about it at tomorrow's session," Sandy defended. "She may get you to talk about other things."

"She might not," Kirsten pointed out, immediately wincing inwardly at the childishness of her words.

"Nothing's ever certain," Sandy said. "What about if we draw up a deal?"

"Oh, God, I feel like such a kid," Kirsten complained.

"Well, this deal's really not something I'd offer to a kid," Sandy informed her. "If you go to therapy, I was going to propose we have some alternative therapy at home afterwards."

A trace of a smile formed on Kirsten's lips, but inwardly she gave another sigh. She gave up on the battle of trying to make Sandy see her point of view. The battle now was to make sure Sandy believed she'd be going to therapy tomorrow.

"And what sort of therapy might that be?" Kirsten asked, giving Sandy an innocent look.

"Well, it's a bit unconventional but I think it may do the trick," Sandy replied.

"Then I guess it really depends," Kirsten teased.

"On what?" Sandy demanded.

"On whether or not I know the therapist," Kirsten played along. "Do I?"

"Oh, I believe you do," Sandy confirmed.

* * *

Kirsten lay next to Sandy late that night, her mind racing. From what she could tell, she was stuck: if she went to therapy, she'd have to dredge up those memories she was trying desperately to forget. If she didn't go to therapy, she'd do what, exactly? Drive around town until her session was supposed to be over? She couldn't be at home as Sandy had taken time off work to be there for Kirsten, and the thought of leaving the house-_alone_-terrified her almost as much as the thought of therapy. On top of that, Kirsten would feel guilty lying to Sandy if she didn't go.

Kirsten felt stressed and panicky. No matter what she chose, tomorrow was going to be far from fun.

* * *

"How are you feeling?" Sandy asked the next morning as soon as the boys left for school. He walked up to Kirsten at the kitchen table, resting his hands on her shoulder.

Kirsten shrugged and took one of Sandy's hands.

"Nervous," she answered. It wasn't a lie either: she still didn't know what to do and the persistent butterflies in her stomach had prevented her from eating breakfast.

Sandy sat down next to her and as he turned Kirsten to face him, she noticed a worried frown on his forehead.

"Are you sure you don't want me to take you?" Sandy asked. "You're ready to go out on your own?"

"I'll be fine," Kirsten said unconvincingly, trying to fight away the guilt settling next to the butterflies. "Don't worry."

"You know I will," Sandy informed her. "If you change your mind let me know."

Kirsten nodded her head before standing up.

"What about you're breakfast?" Sandy asked, noticing the untouched plate of food.

"I'm not hungry," Kirsten answered, walking out of the room. "I should go get ready. Feel free to eat it."

* * *

Sandy looked at Kirsten as she walked to the door; she looked so frail, so small. She looked up at him with frightened eyes and Sandy felt his instinctive protectiveness towards her awaken. Walking up, he gave her a hug. It killed him seeing her like this; he just wanted to wrap her up and protect her forever, so she'd never have to face the evilness of the world again.

"So…I'll see you soon," Kirsten said nervously, opening the door.

"I could still take you," Sandy declared, praying she'd accept but his offer was rejected again by the shake of her head.

"I'll be okay," Kirsten assured him, before turning around and walking to the car.

Sandy watched her get in and turn on the engine before closing the door behind him and giving a sigh.

She had a five minute head start, he decided. Sandy fought down guilt at his doubt over whether or not Kirsten was going to therapy and his need to find out for himself.

He'd laid awake the night before as Kirsten had tossed and turned, her stress over today and tangible as her body lying next to him. Sandy had been about to roll over and take Kirsten in his arms when she'd jumped out of bed and padded out of the room. Half asleep, Sandy had decided not to follow.

It was Kirsten's evident despair and the way she'd given into their argument yesterday over therapy that prompted Sandy to wonder if she'd just ditch the session. It was too out of character for Kirsten to just give into something she didn't believe in without much of a fight-especially with Sandy. And the way she'd just decided to take herself didn't tie in with the terrified person next to him who had clutched onto his hand for dear life when they'd left the hospital only a few days ago.

It wasn't Kirsten blowing off therapy that was Sandy's main concern; it was the thought of Kirsten out there alone. Sandy checked his watch and impatiently tapped his foot. She'd looked so terrified heading out the door. Kirsten hadn't gone anywhere alone since the day that Richard had abducted her and Sandy had been under the impression that the thought of leaving home alone petrified her at the moment. It was the thought of Kirsten out there alone, vulnerable and scared that concerned Sandy-the fear of how she'd cope and what she might do.

The seconds hand on Sandy's watch flicked to the five minute mark and he headed out to the car, giving a sigh of both concern and relief.

With Kirsten to watch over, there was hardly any time or energy left for Sandy to grieve the loss of the babies.

* * *

Kirsten's heart really began to pound when she stepped into the rental car she'd be using while her car was in for repair. Closing her eyes briefly, Kirsten took a few deep breaths and tried to block out the memories of what had happened the last time she had gone out alone, before starting the engine.

She still didn't know whether or not she'd go to therapy, but the panic and stress in her seemed to be rising by the second. She decided to head in the direction of the therapist.

Trailing down the street, Kirsten could still feel her heart beating wildly and her breathing was shallow as she tried in vain to extinguish her panic. Anxiously, she locked the doors of the car.

The familiar streets she'd driven along many times before suddenly became dangerous and alien. Every car she spotted had Richard following her; every house she passed seemed to be able to see right into the car. Breathing became Kirsten's main focus.

Kirsten's heart skipped a beat as traffic lights rolled into view; having to stop for a few minutes was not Kirsten's current idea of a good time. They were still green, she tried to console herself with as her foot went down on the accelerator in an attempt to beat the feared red light.

Her foot automatically reached for the brake as she advanced on a car in front of her that clearly intended to travel below the speed limit.

"Come _on_," Kirsten muttered nervously, trailing the car.

The lights turned to orange just as the car was about to cross. The overly cautious driver slammed on the brakes, causing Kirsten to follow suit, coming to a stop just in time and causing her to be stuck with the red light.

Panic rose up uncontrollably in Kirsten. She tried turning up the radio, counting to ten but nothing fought the panic away. Seconds seemed to stretch into hours, the light remaining red for an ungodly amount of time.

"I can't do it," Kirsten whispered, hyperventilating.

The lights finally turned green, and Kirsten did an illegal U-turn before tearing away back in the direction of home, amidst horns blasting all around her.

Still hyperventilating, a light-headed feeling settled in Kirsten and she pulled over to the side of the lifeless road she was now driving along before bursting into tears and burying her head in her arms on the wheel.

* * *

Sandy found the car pulled over to the side of a road a couple of streets from home. It may have blended in with the other black Range Rovers in the street-they seemed to be the staple of the O.C. lifestyle-but none of the other cars had a blonde figure hunched over the wheel.

Screeching to a stop, Sandy hopped out of the car and ran over to Kirsten.

"Kirsten!" he called out, tapping on the car window.

Kirsten jumped and screamed before realising it was Sandy. She opened the door anxiously and hopping out, holding onto Sandy tightly.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Kirsten apologised between sobs.

"It was my fault," Sandy told her, stricken with guilt. "I shouldn't have made you go to therapy."

Leading Kirsten to the passenger side of her car, Sandy locked his car before hopping into the drivers seat.

"Let's get you home," Sandy said.

* * *

Kirsten walked to her room later that day, a cup of coffee in her hand. She'd woken up on the couch after her first nightmare-less sleep. Too exhausted following this morning to dream, she'd guessed.

The door was ajar and Kirsten paused in front of it as a sound caught her ear. Peering around the door, Sandy was visible sitting on the bed and grasping onto the baby suit-just as Kirsten had been doing a couple of days ago. Tears were rolling down Sandy's face.

It was then that Kirsten felt guilt over something other than loosing the babies. It was then that Kirsten realized she wasn't the only one suffering. Shame took over at the thought of her actions of today and the past few days. She remained planted where she was, looking on in fascination and shock. They were on opposite sides of the door, and it was the first time Kirsten had thought of checking to see what was on the other side.

**Please review and tell me what you thought! **


	4. Help Me Help You

**I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update-I don't even have a good excuse for it. Can we pretend that I broke my finger and couldn't write for weeks? That sounds a lot better.**

**A big thank you to everyone who reviewed-I love reading the reviews! Please keep them coming!**

It took Kirsten about five seconds after she saw Sandy crying before she realized what she had to do. They were all suffering-her whole family-and she hadn't been making things any easier for herself or the people she loved most. The people who loved her and would always be there for her.

Turning quietly, Kirsten walked away to the phone and dialed in a number lying next to it.

"Dr Walker? Would I be able to make another appointment?"

* * *

She approached him quietly-he was still in the same position as he was before. It wasn't until she was several steps away from him that Sandy realized she was there. Kirsten sat next to him on the bed, resting her head on his shoulder and cuddling into him.

"I've booked another appointment with the therapist," Kirsten said softly, gently taking the outfit from his grasp and laying it next to her. "It's in three days."

"Oh, honey-don't do it if you're not ready," Sandy declared, turning around to face her.

"I have to get over this Sandy," Kirsten told him, her eyes holding more fear and less determination than her tone of voice conveyed. "I can't keep living like this and that'll only change if I get professional help. And with how I've been acting, I've probably just made things worse for you and the boys. I certainly haven't helped."

"But the most important thing is that you're here," Sandy reminded her. "At the moment, you should just be focusing on yourself. I cant take care of the boys."

"And who'll take care of you?" Kirsten asked, pointedly brushing Sandy's tear stained cheeks.

"I'm fine," Sandy assured her. "I just haven't had a chance to grieve and...it's gotta happen eventually."

Kirsten nodded. As Sandy spread out on the bed, she lay on top of him, holding up her head and looking into his eyes.

"I need to do this," Kirsten told him. "Focusing on other people will make my life seem more normal. More like it used to be before everything happened. I'll have less time to feel sorry for myself and maybe some of everyones' pain will go away."

"If you think it will help you," Sandy said.

"I'm sorry I haven't been there for you," Kirsten whispered.

"Anyone in your situation would have reacted the same," Sandy assured her. "And it would have taken most of them longer than you before they were ready to focus on others. You have nothing to be sorry about-okay?"

"Okay," Kirsten agreed, before giving Sandy a kiss and resting her head on his chest.

"As long as you're okay, we're okay," Sandy said, playing with a lock of her hair. "Just remember that."

* * *

"Where's Ryan?" Kirsten asked, walking into the living room where Seth was playing a video game.

"Don't know," Seth answered. "Doing homework? Studying?"

"So, how have you been?" Kirsten asked, sitting next to Seth on the couch. "With everything that's happened."

"Okay," Seth replied. "More worried about how you've been."

Kirsten had insisted on the boys not worrying about her since she'd returned home, yet every night without fail, she'd catch Ryan checking to make sure the doors were locked and Seth would always "conveniently" return home with leftovers from his afternoon with Summer that he'd insist on Kirsten eating. Kirsten could only assume they were a method to fatten her up to make up for the weight she had recently lost.

"I'm fine-a lot better than I was," Kirsten told Seth. "Really. You don't need to worry."

Seth gave Kirsten a skeptical look before returning his gaze to his video game.

"You and Summer seem to be spending a lot of time together," Kirsten observed.

"She's been there for me during this whole thing," Seth said. "We've gotten closer, I guess. It's just kind of complicated by the fact that she's still talking to Marissa."

"And you're not?"

"No-Marissa's in exile," Seth said firmly. "After what happened..."

"That's not Marissa's fault," Kirsten quickly defended. "She can't help who her parents are and it doesn't necessarily mean she'll be like them. Especially if she has people like you, Summer and Ryan as friends."

"Ryan's not really talking to her, either," Seth commented. "Actually, Ryan's not really talking to anyone at the moment."

* * *

He wasn't hard to find; he was sitting by the pool, his legs dangling in the water and his back turned to Kirsten.

"Hey," she said, sitting next to him. "Mind if I join you?"

Ryan shook his head-a typical, non-verbal Ryan response.

"How are you?" Kirsten asked. "You've been less talkative than usual."

Ryan shrugged and stared at the water, then out to the twilight. Kirsten could see thoughts swirling around in Ryan's head, trying to form themselves into words that wouldn't give too much away or make Kirsten worry.

"Ryan, there's no need to worry about me," Kirsten told him. "I'm getting better and I'm going to get some help. Seth also told me that you haven't been talking to Marissa."

"What did you expect?" Ryan asked, his voice taking on a tone of surprise.

"That you'd let her help you through this," Kirsten replied. "Sandy and I are always here if you need to talk to us, but I think you really need Marissa at the moment. And she probably needs you."

"She's Jimmy's daughter," Ryan explained quietly, as if that was all there was to the issue.

"Ah, yes-but don't forget she's only part Jimmy," Kirsten reminded him with a little smile. "She's also part Julie."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" Ryan declared, a smile flickering on his face.

"Children don't always turn out like their parents," Kirsten said, giving Ryan a gentle nudge.

"That's true," Ryan agreed.

"And you know Marissa," Kirsten pointed out. "You know she's not a bad person... I don't like to see you like this. You're lonely and confused. And I'm willing to bet Marissa is, too."

"I suppose I could talk to her," Ryan relented standing up. "And try to sort things out."

"Just make sure you talk to someone," Kirsten suggested, giving his arm a squeeze before he walked into the pool house.

Kirsten stood up herself and turning to go back inside, she saw Sandy standing several feet away.

"Well," he said, walking towards her and wrapping his arms around her waist. "It looks like some of my charm is rubbing off on you."

"It tends to be the effect of spending time with you," Kirsten told Sandy, leaning into him and closing her eyes. The safety she felt in Sandy's arms could almost make her forget that there was once a time when she had feared for her life.

"I think you could definitely do with some more charm, then," Sandy spoke into her hair playfully.

"You know, I think you might be right," Kirsten agreed, looking up at him with a smile on her face.

"I'd almost forgotten how beautiful your real smiles are," Sandy commented. "It's been so long since I've seen one."

"I'm sure there are plenty more where they came from," Kirsten stated.

"And there is plenty of charm left to give to you," Sandy told her, before giving her cheek a kiss. "Does that work?"

"Mm, not really, no," Kirsten said.

Sandy kissed her forehead.

"Nope."

He kissed her nose.

"Still not working."

He kissed her neck.

"Getting better..."

Sandy kissed her lips.

"Now that definitely works," Kirsten mumbled with a smile, pulling away slightly before leaning back in and returning the kiss.

"I can think of something that would work even better," Sandy declared between kisses.

"Eugh, you guys-that's _enough_!" Seth called out in disgust from the living room, causing Kirsten and Sandy to jump at the destruction of their bubble. "Get a room!"

"Sure thing," Sandy called back, taking Kirsten's hand and guiding her to their bedroom, past Seth's mortified face. "Just don't disturb us."

* * *

That night, it wasn't a fear of Kirsten's past preventing her from sleeping-it was a fear and concern over what the future might hold. She'd decided to move forwards by focusing on her family again and getting therapy, but she knew the road ahead of her would be difficult. A hot tear rolled down her cheek as she realized that recovery was the hardest part of it all. Her battle was only just beginning.

**I've had major writers block since, like, November, so sorry if things aren't as good as they used to be and for the gaps between updates. I tend to write more when I have a lot of assesment at school, so I should be writing a lot more pretty soon.**

**Keep on reviewing and let me know what you think! **


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